Life is a mystery novel. It starts out one way, and completely changes direction at the moment you least expect it. I was brought up thinking my life would evolve into marriage and a family of my own starting at age 21 (to be exact). I envisioned having a loving and muscle stricken husband who would dance the Salsa with me on Friday’s and help me bare four brown children. I truly thought my life would work out this way and I was content with such thoughts. I was also raised in a very religious home and I naturally believed my life would continue this tradition.
None of what I thought and hoped for in my teens and early 20’s has come to pass. I am divorced, still single (Totally down wit it), and though I believe in God and accept Christ as my Savior, I find myself at a religious crossroads. Religion is the most difficult for me these days as I have been raised one way all of my life, however, now I question it. I never thought in a million years that this is where I would end up.
Due to the change of direction my life has taken, I am being forced into further “Self discovery.” I desire to once again stand firmly in my chosen path. I remember what it was like to know for certain who I wanted to be and where I wanted to go. Having that stability in my sense of self was refreshing and I am determined to get it back. So, I guess now the question is, “Where do I go from here?”
I am at the very beginning of this journey, therefore, I lack a complete road map. Nonetheless, I would like to start by setting some goals:
- Getting things in order: Whether it be my room, my car, or my desk at work, I need to become consistently organized in all facets of my life. One of my friends told me “The state of your room can tell you a lot.” So wise.
- Writing down my goals: If I can see what I desire on paper, this will help me with further self discovery.
- Research: There is a lot of meaning in the saying “Ignorance is bliss.” I totally agree and sometimes I wish I could stay completely innocent. However, if I am wanting to reach my highest potential in this life, I must face the reality of all things. The last thing I want is to remain in ignorance and base my life decisions on a lack of knowledge.
- Be selfish: Instead of living up to other peoples expectations, I want to live up to my own. Why would I want to strive to be someone others want me to be?
- Prayer and mediation: I know there is a God regardless of my recent questions about religion. He has always been there for me and if I want guidance for this life, I need to keep him included.
My main reason for further self discovery revolves around freedom. Freedom to be me and free to make my own choices. The interesting part about all of this is that I didn’t exactly choose to be confused about my identity. It sort of just happened one day and since then, I haven’t been able to deny or avoid it. Needless to say, I am very excited to know who “Cathy” is and I look forward to discover a reliable and firm sense of who I am. Life is a mystery novel. You never really know how the story will play out until you start reading it.
If you are experiencing or have experienced a similar journey, I would love to hear your thoughts! Any positive feedback is appreciated.
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